1. Too holy
2. Too holy
3. Too holy
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This is what people outside see us. Well, for me, growing up in a Christian family, i never really knew God. Probably because my family was never on time for church, we rush to church, we can sometimes skip church if we're too tired or worst "I FORGOT ABOUT CHURCH". Something to laugh about. As time pass, i grew up in a church with many many rules set and leaders who dont walk the way they talk. Well, dont get me wrong, I'm not here to judge. Stay with me and see how changed my thinking ;)
I was very hurt by my cell leaders the way she would tell pastor about how I wouldn't go for cell, when I was always there waiting and in the end no one turns up, and there she was telling me cell had to cancel because no one else was coming. And the "no one else" are all board members kids. They would never come and would only come when there's a birthday celebration or an outing which has got to do with FUN or SHOPPING. I know because I was made the treasurer to keep me active in church. Well, trust me it didn't, the more I was treated badly, the more it drew me away from God and church. I thought that God's people are always mean and unreasonable and I was happy because my parents did not force me to go for youth service. My youth pastor even came and question me of my absent, and I told him the truth but he didn't believe me, and thank God my dad was there he told pastor that he was the one who sents me for cell but just when he reach home, I call him to pick me up because cell cancelled. But the pastor still wouldn't believe us, until my dad's cell leader came and told the pastor that I always ended up joining his cell and he would see me coming back from cell early. The pastor has nothing to say but shook his head and walk away.
I felt so small in church, when I'm already so small in height. Just when I want to serve in church, I wasn't allowed to because of how a person measures my knowledge or "goodness" in church. Sometimes i really felt like confronting him but I realize what benefit will I get? I get to prove that I'm right? I always served with fear and feel like i was not good for those who I'm backup-ing for. There was no communication to what they want from me or how they want me to back them up for worship. But when I went for National Service, I learnt that no matter how I didn't get to learn much in church or how I was not seen in church, God never forgets me. Most people think I can't survive in camp because I'm SOOOO FRAGILE to them. Well I did, and I was challenged in terms of my relationship with God and my relationship with friend of different skin color, believes and back ground, and my family.
1. I learn how to lean on God when I was scared and He gave me words to speak. (1st year after SPM)
Basically everyone knows some how, no matter what camps you go to there's always a ghost story. Well, everyone who knows me, knows that I'm a scary cat. When all my friends are scared of how that "thing" attacked our malay friends, they were really scared, practically most of them would go back to their god. But what really shocked me was, my christian friends, they went to the chinese temple with my other friends to get a bracelet for protection. I asked them why, but they told me in case one don't work another would work. But I can't do that tho I felt left out because they all has the same matching bracelet. Deep in me I know what I had to do, my bible knowledge teacher thought me to worship and sing praises when we are scared, evil spirits will flee in His name. So I went to bath on my own in the very quiet toilet. I begun to throw my pride (because I'm scared to sing cause i might make ppl angry or ppl thinks i'm a freak) and sing, louder and louder. Then some how I forgot about every fear I had and continue washing that huge toilet (dorm toilet for more than 20 people) all alone. Then I walked in my dorm, finding my chinese friends sitting together one side. So I went to my bed, hanged my towel and clean my bed, suddenly one girl asked me a question. "Were you in the toilet all alone? Why didn't you ask us to go with you? Aren't you afraid? I realize you were singing, why?"
I honestly told them, No doubt I was scared but I was told not to be afraid cause the on in me is greater than the one of the world. And me singing is giving praise to God and satan doesn't like it, so he will flee and the fear in me was no longer there. They asked me to pray for them, and I did. Not long after than I took my bible and read it outside my dorm, cause it was too noisy, some how it caught my dorm leader's eye and she was a muslim, strong one, she's in fact the assistant leader for her muslim thing. She questioned me many things and I refrained and still stand to what I believe. I now know what it means by, people will tell you things to entice you or even threaten you. But then she also walked away. She was trying her very best to convert me because I was her good friend back then. Until the end she also tried to ask me to wear their 'tudung' but I told her, "just as I respect you, I hope you will respect me". She also said, who knows one day you will be one of us, i didn't know where did i found such courage and boldness to tell her "I know my God and I know and saw things that He had done. So I will not change or give up on being a christian". Wow!! I felt like my heart was about to come out!! It was soooo fun sticking up for God. I was so proud to be a christian. And how I got through NS and got through all my different kinds of fear, only God knows.
I also learned that no matter how, my family is always there for me. My friends might not appreciate me and takes me for granted but my family would always care and never leave me. Friends do come and go, I will treat them as my friend but if they don't, that's their problem, not mine. Its their lost. I did my best to show love and care when they needed a friend or when they don't. I have other friends who appreciates me more.
I'll continue the next thing I learned, so read on :)
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